Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?
It can be puzzling to find ourselves repeating a pattern that we can see perfectly well does not make us happy.
Often, relationships begin differently but somehow end up feeling remarkably familiar. We might repeatedly find ourselves with people who are emotionally unavailable, or notice that we become anxious when someone needs a little space. We may long for closeness and then find ourselves withdrawing when somebody gets too close. Or we might hear ourselves having versions of the same argument, experiencing the same disappointments, or occupying a familiar role in relationships - the one who accommodates, withdraws, pursues, reassures or takes responsibility.
Sometimes we even recognise the pattern while it is happening but still feel unable to do anything differently.
Knowing something isn't always the same as changing it
This is one of the more frustrating aspects of emotional life. Insight can be enormously valuable, but conscious understanding does not usually bring immediate change.
From a psychodynamic perspective, this is partly because not everything that influences us is conscious. In fact, most of it is not. We develop formulations and expectations about relationships long before we have the words to describe them. Our earliest experiences of being dependent upon other people can contribute to our sense of what relationships are like, what we can expect from others, and what we need to do to remain connected to them.
These expectations may continue quietly into adult life.
What is familiar can also exert a surprisingly powerful pull. This doesn’t mean that we consciously seek out relationships that will hurt or disappoint us but certain ways of relating can feel recognisable at a level that is difficult to explain. Even an unhappy familiarity can sometimes feel less uncertain than something new.
The part we play can be difficult to see
When a relationship repeatedly leaves us feeling rejected, overlooked, controlled or disappointed, it is understandable to focus on what the other person is doing. Sometimes, of course, the difficulty does lie substantially with the other.
But when something seems to happen repeatedly across different relationships, it can be useful to become curious about the whole pattern. This is not about assigning blame, but rather about wondering what we may be expecting, fearing or protecting ourselves from in our relationships, and how this might be affecting the way we relate to other people.
For example, someone who fears being abandoned may become particularly alert to signs of distance or withdrawal. Someone for whom dependence once felt precarious may have learnt to rely heavily on themselves and struggle to trust a partner. Another person may repeatedly put their own needs aside in order to preserve a relationship, only to find themselves increasingly resentful within it.
These ways of coping often make sense when understood in the context in which they developed. The difficulty is that something which once protected us can later begin to restrict us. This realisation is often what brings people to therapy.
Why does the past matter if the problem is happening now?
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is interested in the past not because everything can be reduced to childhood, but because our history forms part of the person we bring into present relationships.
The aim is not simply to identify a cause and declare the problem solved. Therapy offers an opportunity to become more familiar with patterns that may previously have operated largely outside awareness: the assumptions we make, the feelings we avoid, the roles we readily take up and the responses we anticipate from others.
Interestingly, some of these patterns may eventually become visible in the relationship with the therapist too. This can provide an opportunity to think about them as they are happening, rather than only in retrospect.
Over time, something that once felt inevitable may begin to feel more open to question.
Becoming curious about what repeats
If you recognise yourself in a recurring relationship pattern, it can be tempting to ask, Why do I keep doing this? with considerable frustration or self-criticism.
A more useful question may be: Why might this particular pattern have become so familiar to me?
That shift - from judgement towards curiosity - can open up more room for thought.
We cannot change our history, and understanding it does not mean blaming the people in it. But becoming more aware of how past and present are connected can give us greater freedom in how we respond now.
Sometimes the beginning of change is simply noticing that what has always felt inevitable is, in fact, a pattern.
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I offer psychodynamic psychotherapy to adults from my practices in Cobham, Surrey and London Victoria. If you are considering therapy and would like to explore whether working together might be helpful, you are welcome to get in touch.